Save The Bruins: A Special Telethon Event

Posted by Chas Dorman in Bruins on January 27th, 2010 | one response

(Editor’s Note: This post is made for the sake of humor on the part of the Boston Bruins’ recent woes. In no way should any reader believe that Chas or 4SportBoston is making light of the recent disaster in Haiti or any other such horrific event. We strongly encourage readers to donate to the Haiti Disaster Relief Fund in order to “pay it forward” to those of you who will, undoubtedly, still take this post in bad taste… for the rest of you… PLEASE HELP THIS TEAM!)

The following script was found left in a bathroom stall at the NESN studios in Boston.

Denis Leary: Good evening and thank you for joining us. As you all know, a few months ago a city was besieged by a devastating event. A group that started out with such promise and excitement was rocked by a catastrophic event. What was supposed to be a time of joy and promise has now turned to despair. Tonight, you can contribute and help these people who need your assistance the most. Countless celebrities from around the area have joined us tonight to help man the phone banks and take your calls. So please, anything you can spare can help. Whether you have some extra pucks or some tape, please do what you can. If you know how to run a power play or initiate a breakout, your time can do wonders. Again, pick up that phone and call 1-888-HOPE-4-BS as part of tonight’s special telethon, “Hope for the Hub of Hockey.”

Camera fades to a video montage featuring: Scott Walker sucker-punching Aaron Ward and then scoring the series-clincher in game seven, Phil Kessel rushing up and down the ice for Toronto, Alex Ovechkin scoring goal after goal on Opening Night, the ghosts of the Montreal Forum coming out for a pregame skate and the Bruins losing 5-1, Milan Lucic getting hurt, Marc Savard messing up his knee on incidental contact, Dennis Wideman turning the puck over, Dennis Wideman shooting the puck wide, Peter Chiarelli realizing his top line is centered by Mark Recchi, Claude Julien crying while lining Miroslav Satan up to run his top power play, Tim Thomas skating off the ice after another shootout loss like he is a mighty-mite changing at the buzzer, Zdeno Chara getting bowled over by players a foot shorter than him, and fans slumping in their seats at the Garden.

Come back live to the main desk.

Ben Affleck: Tonight, you have the power to help heal this troubled team. It is no question what this group needs the most. For months now, they have been without the most basic of hockey necessities. Only 19 times this year have our Bruins been able to score three times in one night. Without the required offense, this team will not survive. The Bruins have tried everything, from trading 20-goal scorers to signing 35-year old players who haven’t skated in an NHL game all season. It just isn’t working, and they are tragically running out of time. How many more nights can we sit idly by and watch these 20 men flounder? It is inhumane and it is our moral responsibility to do what we can to help.

Fade to black. Come back with Blink-182’s song “I Miss You” playing over clips of Byron Bitz missing wide open nets on feeds from Marc Savard as well as the failed attempts from the Blake Wheeler-David Krejci-Michael Ryder line. Wrap up the series with the shots from Dennis Wideman and Andrew Ferrence that are wide by three feet.

Leary: Heavy stuff. What does it say about the depths to which a team has sank when there have been more goals scored by Phil Esposito on an episode of Rescue Me than there have been by the Bruins in a week, at times? The good news is that you can help save the season. Head coach Claude Julien knows that he can no longer rely on his singular mind to keep things afloat. This task is too much for just one leader. That is why we are now opening up the phone lines for thoughts on line combinations and power play strategies. As we turn the page on this horrible stretch of our lives, let us take a moment to remember the combinations which have met a tragic and untimely end.

As Leary walks towards the camera and off the stage, the lights dim and a curtain begins to rise from the floor as James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” begins to play. On the curtain are the various line combinations, defensive pairings and power play groups that have come and gone throughout the year. Expect big gasps and tears for the Byron Bitz-Marc Savard-Steve Begin first line and the Miroslav Satan-Mark Recchi-Danielle Paille trio of firepower that never made it.

Michael Chiklis: During my time on The Shield, I spent a lot of time in the midst of made-up tragedy. Today, I stand before you bearing witness of real-life horror. As anyone who has made the trip to Causeway St. these past five months can tell you, there is a sense of despondence among those who spend their days in that area. Numerous young men have succumbed to injury and ineptitude. There were such high hopes for Chuck Kobasew and his time in Boston was cut short. One of the most promising young men in the game, Dennis Wideman, is shaken and broken to his core. There are many who wonder if he will ever regain his sense of where he is on the ice and what to do when faced with a challenge. So far, the signs of life are not good for him. He has been in a coma since early October and his only movement comes when he randomly coughs up pucks. On behalf of the entire Boston Bruins organization, I ask you to keep sending your “Get Better Soon” cards to him. He especially responds to the ones which diagram what to do when near a blue line. Those are the areas he has been diagnosed with the most trouble.

Cue clips of Claude Julien describing how Wideman misplayed pucks and why he seems to always be on the ice when the opposition scores.

Leary: In situations like the one the Bruins are facing – where times are so tragically trying – normally a team can rely on its defense to keep things sturdy. For the Bruins, that has been the case. Despite the inability to attack the issue on their own, the B’s have been able to keep things alive in their own end. The 2.45 goals allowed per game by the Bruins is the sixth best number in the league. The resilience shown by two men – Tim Thomas and Tuukka Rask – in goal has given many citizens of the Hub of Hockey reason to believe. Refusing to give in, and doing everything in their power to lift the spirits of their brothers in skates, the goaltending duo may be running out of steam. It is difficult for even the sturdiest of foundations to carry a shaky house for an extended period of time. How much longer can acrobatic saves and bail-out puck freezes sustain a thirsty offense?

Fade to the countless big saves made by Tim Thomas and Tuukka Rask, including Rask making 36 saves against the Islanders in October, the six shutouts, Tim Thomas’ 39 saves against the Lightning in December and his 40 saves in San Jose in January.

Joey McIntyre: Almost 20 years ago, my friends and I were the New Kids on the Block. We were the ones taking this city – and the world – by storm. This year, the Bruins have had to rely on a few of their own “New Kids on the Block” to keep them afloat as the old guard failed to come through. Where would this team be without players like Steve Begin and Derek Morris? Thought to be just a fourth-line pest, Begin has added timely points when needed, provided superb penalty killing and given maximum effort every game. He has played, whether he was setting the tone with his crash and bang linemates or skating up and out of position, with Marc Savard on the first line. Morris is tied for the most power play points on the team – which is exactly why he was brought here. Would he have liked more than three goals at this point? Yes, he would. But the fact that he hasn’t scored much makes him just like every other struggling man on this team.

(Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

Donnie Wahlberg: In addition to these two players, there is one other Bruin skater who has done things the right way night in and night out. Patrice Bergeron has been a beacon of consistency during this disaster of a season. Just three seasons ago his career was thought to be over, and here he is with the most points on the team. He has been the one Bruin to keep his head in the game and his mind on the task at hand despite the world falling apart around the team. He wins faceoffs, plays defense, kills penalties and is capable of playing any role for a group that has all too many members incapable of playing just one. It is important to remember that while there has been struggle after struggle of late for anyone playing under the Black and Gold flag, there have been positives to come out of this horrible stretch of existence. Steve Begin, Derek Morris, Tuukka Rask, Patrice Bergeron … This is for you.

As the house lights dim, an a cappela version of NKOTB’s megahit “The Right Stuff” is sung by the New Kids while highlights from Bergeron, Begin and Morris are played.

Leary: All is not lost Boston. There is reason to believe. Remember, what you do tonight can help save a season. Let’s check in with Kathryn Tappen over at the phone bank.

A switch of cameras shows Tappen in front of 20 phones that are manned by former Bruins greats such as Vladimir Ruzicka, Lyndon Byers, Gerry Cheevers, Bruce Shoebottom, Gary Galley, Greg Hawgood and John Bucyk.

Tappen: Thanks Dennis. We are honored to be joined by so many former Bruins players who know what it was like to play for this proud and storied franchise. Once you spend time living in the Hub of Hockey, you are always drawn back to support the organization when it faces trouble. Tonight is one of those occasions. When you call to donate your drills, motivational speeches or defensive systems, you have the chance to converse with such legends as Nevin Markwart, Al Iafrate and Jay Miller. Let’s take a moment to chat with Hall of Famer Ray Bourque. Ray, thank you for being here tonight. What made you contribute?

Bourque: Well Kathryn, I have been in a situation like this before. When you are down and out and feel hopeless. The sad thing is, I went through this only 10 short years ago. Most clubs feel burdened when they have to recover from something like this once every 25 years or so. The Bruins, they seem to get walloped by this sort of devastation once every 5-6 years. It has almost been like a vicious cycle of wreckage ever since 2000. First, I had to be traded to try and save not only myself but this franchise. Then, it was Joe Thornton and then Phil Kessel. I am just worried that if we don’t band together as Bruins Nation, then it may be Patrice Bergeron or Zdeno Chara who goes next.

Tappen: Ray, what do you think needs to be done?

Bourque: The good news is, I think this may be rock bottom. The most important thing we can do is show our support for those left behind in the rubble. With the loss of guys like Lucic, Savard, Ferrence and others much has fallen on those left behind. The Johnny Boychuks, Mark Stuarts, Matt Hunwicks, Blake Wheelers and Daniel Pailles of this team need to know that as Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting, “This is not your fault”. They are doing everything they can to bring this team back to a functional status. Once they get to the level of competing at a basic level, they can work on achieving greatness. That is why I am here to announce that for every five goals donated to the Bruins tonight I will match that with one of the 410 goals I scored in my career. The biggest regret of my life is that when I finally won the Stanley Cup I didn’t do it here. I will do everything in my power to make sure players like Patrice Bergeron and Tuukka Rask don’t have to suffer the same fate.

As the phones begin to ring, the cameras cut to a teary-eyed Bourque and then fade to a montage of the great players who suffered a similar fate in Boston. With Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” playing over, viewers will be shown clips of Bourque, Cam Neely, Joe Thornton, Sergei Samsonov, Bill Guerin, Mike Knuble, Brian Rolston, Bill Ranford and Andy Moog all celebrating in different uniforms after being forced to leave Boston.

Leary: It always difficult when you see such talented young people leave us too early. Ladies and Gentlemen, our time tonight is almost up. Before we leave you, let us again remind you what you can do to help. Peter Chiarelli has declared this a State of Emergency and he has requested all hands on deck. Anyone with hockey experience can stop by TD Garden and pitch in. Management has requested special assistance in the area of scoring and toughness. Anyone with experience fighting for what they believe in and proving people wrong will be moved to the front of the dispersal line. A big thanks goes out to Toronto Maple Leafs general manager Brian Burke who has already donated one of the top picks in this summer’s NHL Draft to the cause. Any GMs out there with spare draft picks or prospects who have been moved by this evening’s presentation, the number is 1-888-HOPE-4BS. Puck-moving defensemen and game-changing snipers are extremely needed. In closing, please welcome to the stage Ken Casey and the Dropkick Murphys.

Ken Casey: Folks, the time is now. We are hoping for a miracle. You have lifted this team before. Everyone remembers the 2008 Stanley Cup Playoffs when this team and you, the fans, came together to almost defeat a menacing enemy. Let’s do it again. So, Ilya Kovalchuk, Teemu Selanne, Scott Niedermayer, Dion Phaneuf, Martin St. Louis … This one’s for you.

DKM transitions into a rousing version of “Shipping Up to Boston” as everyone on stage gathers around microphones to join in on the chorus as the TV monitors show clips of the 127 goals the Bruins scored this year.

So, if you had the opportunity to give to the “Hope for the Hub of Hockey” cause, what would you donate?

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