El Mustachio's Week 7 Picks
I think the only way to judge this week is based entirely on face fungus. Here’s mine:
El Mustachio!
I’m not kidding, let’s get this thing started. Special thanks to scote for helping on research this week. Favorites first, home team in bold:
Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay) vs. Cleveland Brown (Cleveland) +9.
It’s tough to give Cleveland the edge here, given that he is a cartoon, but +9? How can you argue with those odds when his namesake is in fact the Cleveland Browns? Aaron’s stache is thick and bushy like his eyebrows, but he does tend to get grass and mud in it when he spends most of the game on his face.
Cleveland Brown and his Cleveland Browns beat the spread. GB 27 CLE 20
Ron Burgundy (San Diego) vs. The Kansas City Fake Mustache Club +4.5
“Stay Classy San Diego!” is harmless advice for the Chargers, a team witha cast of characters that includes Shawn Merriman and LaDainian Tomlinson, a couple of guys who wouldn’t know class from Super Bowl Brass, since they’ve never seen either! This early in the column and that’s got to be the rip of the day. Better stop reading now.
Because the Kansas City Fake Mustache Club mirrors the Chiefs so well, I have to go with San Diego here. Just like a fake muzzy is barely a mustache, the Chiefs are barely a football team.
Ron Burgundy takes it, SD 24 KC 13
Larry Bird (Indianapolis) vs. the American Mustache Institute(St. Louis) featuring the annual Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year Award +13
This is quite the matchup here. The mustache of all mustaches, Robert Goulet himself vs. Larry Bird, with a cookie duster so famous even M&M’s wear it. Although on paper this could be the matchup of the week, you have to consider the star power of Larry in this game. Goulet is certainly a formidable opponent, but does anyone under 20 even know who he is? I barely know who he is myself. On a side note, these are both 2 great Boston staches, of course we all know Bird with the Celtics, but Goulet was born and raised in Lawrence MA. Of course, you haveto allow Bird to represent the Colts due to his ties to his home state of Indiana and his ownership of the Indiana Pacers. In this case, it works out well for Peyton and Co. because it scores them a win against Robert Goulet and the American Mustache Institute.
IND 41 STL 9
Bill Cowher (Pittsburgh) vs. William H. Macy (Minnesota) +4.5
Who else can represent the Steel City except Bill Cowher? The man has the meanest misplaced eyebrow in the NFL. William H. Macy won an Academy Award for his portrayal of Jerry Lundegaard in Fargo, which of course took place in Minnesota. Macy describes his on screen persona as “middle American.” In addition, he’s won 2 Emmy’s including one for playing a door to door salesman with cerebral palsy… what? Oh yea, he was in Wild Hogs too. What a ridiculously silly career he’s had. I like it, especially with points. Cowher’s molestache wins the game, but won’t cover the spread unless it comes back and teaches the offensive line how to protect Big Ben, who by the way, is still a rapist until proven innocent.
Macy beats the spread, PIT 30 MIN 27
Wes Welker (New England) vs. Hulk Hogan (Tampa Bay) +14.5
Yea, Hulk is listed as the home team on paper, but this game is in London. I think that fact plays a huge factor in this overall decision. Here in the states, Hulk Hogan’s flavor savor is bar none the victor in this battle for mustachio’d superiority on the gridiron. In jolly old England however, the Wes Welker milk mustache is hilarious. The Brits love a good laugh, and have no idea how the game is played anyway. Take it away Wes.
Welker by a tash, NE 35 TB 10
Warren Moon (Houston) vs. the 2008 San Francisco 49ers +3
Okay, Warren Moon’s whiskers were never that impressive, but he did have a long and storied career. The question is was his dot and dash more impressive than a terrible 
49ersteam that all grew mousers for one game in 2008? I say no. For a team to ban together and all grow mustaches. It was a tribute to Niner mustaches of yester-year said Shaun Hill. “Today is Mustache Monday,” Hill said of the effort, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. “It’s for the throwback game. Every day we go to meetings and we go by these beautiful pictures and we admire these guys’ mustaches.” (espndotcom) That kind of team unity is what has turned the Niner franchise around, allowing it to be the legitimate playoff contender it is this year. Moon’s mustache never took him into a Super Bowl, and that just won’t snip the nose hairs.
SF 24 HOU 17
Joe Namath (NY Jets) vs. Dennis Eckersley (Oakland) +6
In the inter-sport matchup of top tier twister Hall of Famers, Eckersley’s great moss and soup strainer take the easy cheese. Although Joe Namath’s mo made waves allowing for a famous if not prolific career, Eck actually earned his rights into the Hall of Fame with a fantastic statistical career. Of course, the Eck is a favorite among Sox fans as he filled in successfully for Jerry Remy this year.
Eck and his hometown Oakland Raiders cover the spread, NYJ 17 OAK 16
Geraldo (NYG) vs. Scott Player (Arizona) +7
Scott Player was a punter for Arizona. Great stache, but Geraldo comes back this week and this week only.
NYG 38 AZ 28
Finally, in the Monday Night Mustachio Matchup of the Week:
John Oates (Philly) vs. Sarah Silverman (Washington) +7
Sarah is Jewish, and so is Redskin owner Daniel Snyder (and as I found out, about a dozen other NFL owners). John Oates grew up and started the 80’s duo Hall & Oates in Philadelphia. Sorry Sarah, your upper lip plumage just doesn’t have the staying power of John Oates’ lip spinach. Another New England tie btw, Sarah’s from NH.
PHI 28 WAS 10
Other games going on this weekend include:
Buffalo +7 over Carolina
Cincinnati over Chicago+1.5 (despite Mike Ditka)
Atlanta +4 over Dallas
New Orleans over Miami +6
One Response to “El Mustachio's Week 7 Picks”
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Hulk vs Welker I LOVE IT!