From Raising Pigs to Raising Hell
Imagine having the wiry frame of one Rick Porcello and seeing the brute force that is YOUUUUK comin’ atcha… I would probably soil myself right there and right then. Who cares how many people are watching?
It was Fight Night in Boston last night as the Red Sox and Tigers took to the field for what seemed like could be a laugher in the first inning. I was almost ready to flip over to Big Brother and root on Russell.
Tazawa was making his first major league start and his wind up and delivery was scarily reminiscent of the Japanese pitcher we paid a lot more to bring in wins. I clearly remember when the Sox made the bid on Tazawa that the reports were that his pitching style was clearly modeled after his fellow countryman and it was certainly true.
Tazawa was not necessarily the issue early, although the Tigers were certainly swinging at what Eck hilariously dubbed “sneaky cheese”, but they certainly were finding the ball on most swings. The Red Sox failed to convert two straight double play opportunities and left Tazawa headed to the dugout with a 3-0 deficit and having thrown just over 30 pitches.
The excitement began when Tazawa threw a pitch up-and-in that hit Detroit’s huge, and I mean rather large, money maker Cabrera right in the hand (later they took some x-rays and found no damage, listed as day-to-day). Porcello retaliated throwing up-and-in to Victor Martinez, which he certainly took an issue with as he stared back at Porcello and said something along the lines of “Those were my nipples”.
However, in the bottom of the second, whether purposely or not, whether Eck thinks it was done with malicious intent or not, whether Porcello had seen the Prince Fielder footage and wanted to try and recreate it or not, Porcello plunked YOUUUUUK off the small of the back and the madness began!
YOUUUUK gently lowered his helmet, dropped his shoulder, and charged the mound like a freight train. ALL ABOARD THE YOUUUUUUUUUUUK EXPRESS! With a nice approach move, YOUUUK threw his helmet at Porcello, who winced… I saw it, and threw the shoulder to the 
chest and wrapped him up like a middle linebacker and the two hit the infield grass. Both teams rushed to the aid of their teammates (except for Brad Penny who was in the clubhouse at the time, as Eck pointed out) and the bullpens cleared. Amidst piles of sweaty men that would make Perez Hilton’s eyes water, David Ortiz threw Tigers off like a nightclub bouncer (Dunkin could really work with this… picture David Ortiz throwing ACTUAL Tigers… on second thought, maybe not a good promo after all the steroid talk) and Detroit’s Edwin Jackson, a pitcher not even in the game took the greatest offense to the situation. I’m pretty sure he might have hit a couple of his own teammates just trying to back into the scuffle.
Now that you wasted 3 minutes reading my description, go ahead and watch the video (which was up on YouTube in 2.4 seconds) and let me know how accurate I am.
Of course both YOUUUUUK and Porcello were tossed from the game and on it went.
Hilariously enough, even Francona was hot tempered on this evening as the umpires surprised him with calls throughout the first few innings which eventually led him to throw his gum… rebel. P.S. He also got to leave early and now has to do bench coach Brad (Millsy) Mills’ laundry for a week.
YOUUUUK’s replacement for the rest of the night, Mike Lowell was obviously not ready for this game. At the ripe old age of 93, Lowell hit to the plate, cold as ice, and knocked not one but TWO jimmy-jacks out of the park in the remainder of the game.
After a rain delay which finally allowed me the period of time I needed to watch Big Brother (thank you DVR), the Sox came back out with the pitchers on the A-game as they swiftly bolted through the 7th and 8th innings before getting to Papelbon, or more recently known as “Heart Attack Pap”.
Pap had his usual issues last night with allowing a two run home run with 2 outs in the 9th but thankfully he came in in a non-save situation, up four… Millsy will make a great manager some day. But in usual Pap-form, he struck out everyone in Boston and the game ended with a “W” beside it.
Unfortunately, the Yanks also pulled out a win last night so no ground was made up but I am a glass half full person, so no ground was lost!
In the end, Tazawa ended up with a pretty nice statline. 5 IP, 4 H, 3 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 6 SO. 98 pitches, 63 strikes. Not bad for his first major league start and who knows, maybe he will finally fill the shoes in Japan that Dice-K left behind as their prodigal son, let’s just try and keep him out of the World Baseball Classic.
By the way, if you are wondering about the title of this post, I looked up the meaning of the name “Porcello” on Meaning-of-Names.com… “Porcello Meaning: one who raised pigs; one who as a swine herder.”
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